


Breathe

by nohohank



Category: Barry (TV 2018)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Barry needs (and gets!) a hug, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-12-09 18:28:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20999354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nohohank/pseuds/nohohank
Summary: Close your eyesSwallow the sunYou have only just begunBreathe In -Son Lux‘It was in the car. Under the seat.’Barry slowly lost grip on the beer in his hand as his thoughts raced and for a second he thought, as it hit the ground, ‘This must be a pathetic metaphor for my life.’





	Breathe

_‘It was in the car. Under the seat.’_

Barry slowly lost grip on the beer in his hand as his thoughts raced and for a second he thought, as it hit the ground, ‘_This must be a pathetic metaphor for my life._’  
He didn’t bother to pick it up, but the sound of it grabbed the attention of both himself and everyone around him at the party. He turned on his heel and rushed away to the bathroom, his chest getting tighter as he thought about all the eyes looking at him. 

Barry didn’t turn the lights on out of fear of what he would see. Afraid to look in the mirror and come to the conclusion that nothing was real, or that everything was way too real.

Inhale. Exhale. A punch to the sink. 

His hands shook violently and he gripped the sink to try and steady himself. Deep breath. Inhale. Exhale. A sob.

The light flicked on and he finally saw himself in the mirror. He saw his eyes, and the panic in them. The dark circles that framed them. His mouth that hung open as he tried to catch his breath. His messed up hair from all the mindless tugging he did at it as he stood in the corner away from everyone. ‘No wonder no one came to talk to me.’ He thought.

Inhale, Exhale--

“Fuck!” 

Barry’s back hit the wall and he slid down to the floor. ‘_In the car. Under the seat._’ 

It was the buzz of his phone that caused him to break free from the suffocation of his thoughts. He lifted himself up a bit to grab the phone from his back pocket and it buzzed again as he held it.

Hey buddy!  
**11:02 PM - Noho Hank**

Can we meet up?  
**11:02 PM - Noho Hank**

Barry gripped the phone tightly, staring at the messages until his screen went dark. Suddenly he was lost again. He leaned forward and rested his head on the edge of the phone, tapped his foot rapidly, and took a deep breath. He needed someone. Anyone besides whoever was on the other side of that door he sat next to. He considered the acting class a family, but not right now. He felt -- No, he was sure -- Everyone in the class didn’t like him. They thought differently of him. They always did and always would. He knew of it.  
Barry responded simply. 

Yes.  
**11:04 PM - Barry**

The address was sent his way and Barry sat there and waited, waited, waited. Several times there had been a knock at the door, and only one time did he answer. He would briefly hear the complaints to Nick about how it was locked, or how there might be someone passed out drunk in there. Barry realized that not once did anyone question where he was and that made his mind race once again. ‘_In the car… In the car… In the ca--_’

Am here  
**11:28 PM - Noho Hank**

A picture followed the text shortly after but Barry was already on his feet and gripping the handle of the door before he could see what it was. Knowing Hank, it was most likely a cat meme that he either already had on his phone or one he searched and looked for. Barry couldn’t decide which was worse.

As he made his way down the hall, through the kitchen and through the living room towards the front door, Barry wondered if the laughter that came from each direction of him was directed at him. It was another thing he felt sure about. They were. They laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and--

The handle of the front door was cold against his hand that was covered in crescent-shaped marks. Some bled, all bruised. The slam of the door drowned out every voice and noise from inside the house and he was thankful for the pounding it left in his chest that traveled to his ears. Deep breath. Inhale. Exhale. A slow step forward. Then another. And another.

Soon enough, Barry was outside of Hank’s car. He couldn’t recall how long it was in between him knocking on the window and Hank unlocking the doors for him to get in. He could hardly remember even getting in the car. Hank was saying something when he cut him off saying, “Can we talk about anything besides the hit. Please. I...I can’t think about it right now.”

Silence. He turned his head towards Hank and they finally made eye contact with each other for the first time that night. 

“Please?” Barry said, just above a whisper. Hank seemed to notice how broken his voice was and he flashed a sweet smile.

“Of course we can. What, you think I’m all business, no fun? I am most fun guy you’ll meet. Promise.”

Barry nodded in response, breaking the gaze they shared so he could look out in front of him at the few trees that were illuminated by the streetlights. The color of the leaves were an odd mix of orange from the light and blue from the moon and he thought about how well that light complimented Hank those few seconds he looked at him. 

Fingers dug into skin once again and eyes slowly shut. Barry closed himself off from the world as much as he could and, if only for a few seconds, he felt okay. He could never find a place to go to to feel safe that lasted longer than a couple of seconds and he knew that wouldn’t change. But it was something, and he wanted to take all he could get. 

Hank’s voice broke the silence and dragged Barry away from whatever edge of the world he stood on and once his eyes opened, he was briefly confused about where he was until his brain put the pieces back together.

“Is everything alright, Barry?”

And in that moment, Barry realized no one has ever asked him that so sincerely. 

Had the realization not built a home in his chest only for it to rip out of his ribcage and hurt him so badly, he’d be able to lie. He’d be able to say, ‘_Everything is fine._’

But he couldn’t.

Deep breath, stuck in throat. Suffocation. Head spinning, heart rattling against bones.

Barry shook his head.

The two sat in silence for a few seconds, and Barry worried he said something wrong. He worried he opened up too much. It was a simple shake of the head, it didn’t mean anything... _It meant everything._

“You know, whatever it is that is eating at you right now… It will get full soon enough. You don’t need to worry about it forever.”

Barry thought, ‘_That’s stupid._’ for a moment. A quick shift in his brain and, ‘_I’m thankful for these words._’

Hank opened his mouth to speak once more, but Barry’s arms were thrown around his neck and he was pulled into the warmth of unexpectancy. His hands slowly rested upon his back and relaxed into the embrace. 

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. He could breathe.

Waking up during Fall and noticing the leaves on the ground, the trees newly painted colors and feeling the cold breeze couldn’t compare to the feeling Barry felt as he held onto Hank in that moment. _Nothing could compare…_

It was a sudden thought that crept into his mind that caused the feeling to vanish. To be replaced with fear instead of comfort. ‘_This is wrong._’

It didn’t stay for long. Hank leaned closer, buried his face in Barry’s neck and gripped onto his shirt tighter than he already was, causing it to lift up and expose part of his back to the cold air. He shivered.

It was the fear of having to let go that caused Barry to take his turn in burying his face into the other’s neck. 

“Can I be honest Gabe with you for a second?”

Barry nodded gently and Hank nodded back. Either to let Barry know he acknowledged his nod, or to acknowledge his own thoughts he was soon to speak.

“I really like this. And I kind of want to kiss you.” Hank said.

Barry’s eyes widened, shocked, but he slowly pulled away from the hold. The hands that were wrapped around Hank’s neck were now softly touching his face as they locked eyes. Hank noted how bright Barry’s eyes were, even in the darkness of the car. They were so different than how they usually were. Not dark, not empty, not sad. Bright, full… Filled with love.

They kissed. 

It was soft, despite Barry’s chapped lips and his stubble that rubbed against Hank’s skin. Barry used to worry about thinking of how soft Hank’s lips seemed. Now all he worried about was how Hank felt about his soft lips against his. A smile crept onto Hank’s face as he deepened the kiss and he realized there was nothing to worry about.

They were in the car, both sharing their seats with each other. 

Barry snaked a hand around Hank and gently gripped his neck as his thoughts began to clear and the only thing he could think of then was, ‘_This is a step closer to a better life._’

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading this took way too long to write and i finished it at 6 am so ?? if theres any mistakes blame it all on me i didnt have a beta reader and i myself am a dumb dumb that could have missed a mistake dfgkjsdfg anYWAY 
> 
> i might make this a multi chapter fic or i might not. maybe it will be part of a series whoooo knows, definitely not me.
> 
> follow me on tumblr @anthonycarrigan   
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3


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